Kid Rock Wins Election for US Senate
Kid Rock, who was once arrested for assault at a Waffle House while out on bond, has won the 2018 election for United States Senate in the state of Michigan. Of course it’s still September 2017, but thanks to pattern analysis and deductive reasoning, we can skip ahead in the story.
Kid Rock gave this speech on Tuesday, September 12th, 2017. He offered the statement in rhyming verse as an evocation to the powers that would elect him to the most powerful deliberative body in the world. He entered wearing a stupid hat and clothed in the American flag, which incidentally violates Section 8(i) and 8(j) of the United States Flag Code not that he cares. “Hail to the Chief” played as he entered, which is traditionally the music afforded the President of the United States. There are two extant versions of the speech which Kid Rock gave. They are synthesized here.
Please note, this is not satire, this is not The Onion, this is not parody. This speech occurred on stage at Little Caesars arena in Detroit on September 12th, 2017, and there is flash-cut-heavy video proof.
Well, well wha…what a crowd. I said well, well what a crowd.
What’s going on the in the world today?
Seems the government wants to give everyone health insurance but wants us all to pay.
And to be very frank, I really don’t have a problem with that,
since God has blessed me and made my pockets fat.
But redistribution of wealth seems more like their plan.
And I don’t believe you should save, sacrifice, do things by the book
and then have to take care of some deadbeat, milking the system, lazy ass motherfucking man.
Now, the issue of struggling single parents is an issue close to my heart.
But read my lips: We should not reward these women who can’t even take care of themselves but keep having kid after fucking kid.
Of course, we should help them out. I don’t want to sit here and sound like a jerk.
But let’s help ’em out with child care, job training and put their goddamned asses to work.
And you deadbeat dads, who refuse to be a man, who refuse to be there for their sons and raise them up to be good men.
You ghetto-glorifiers and gangster wannabes [ed: later changed to “glorified sperm donors”].
I say lock all you assholes up and throw away the fucking keys!
[A flash from the stage punctuates his comments as the crowd cheers loudly]
And if you wanna take a knee
Or sit during our Star Spangled Banner,
call me a racist because I’m not PC
and think you have to remind me that black lives matter.
Nazis. Fucking bigots. And now again the KKK?
I say screw all you assholes [later changed to racists]. Stay the fuck away.
And why these days is everything SOOO gay? Gay rights, transgender this and that.
I say let gay folks get married if they want to and I’m not even close to a Democrat.
But things shouldn’t be this complicated, and no you don’t get to choose
because whatever you have between your legs should determine the bathroom that you use.
It’s no secret we’re divided and we all should take some blame,
and we all should be ashamed because we all seem scared to call him by his name.
[He points to a picture of Jesus, the hyper-Aryan Cesare Borgia version]
So please, almighty Jesus, if you’re looking down on us tonight,
please guide us with your wisdom and give us strength to fight.
To fight the tyrant evils that lurk here and abroad
and remind us all we are still just one nation under God!
[he points upwards]
Now let’s get down to brass tacks,
Before I hit you with this funk
[he thrusts three-times wildly from his groin, leaving the podium]
Like it or not, Hillary Clinton lost
And your President is Donald Motherfuckin’ Trump.
And I do believe it to be self evident, that we’re all created equal.
I said it once, I’ll scream it again: I love black people.
And I love white people, too. But neither as much as I love red, white and blue.
And this Kid Rock for Senate
It’s got some folks in disarray
Wait’ll they hear of Kid Rock for the President of the USA.
Cause wouldn’t it be a sight to see?
President Kid Rock in Washington DC.
Standing on the desk in the Oval Office like a G.
Holding my dick, ready to address the whole country.
I’d look the nation straight in the eyes, live on TV
And I’d say to them
“You ever met a motherfucker quite like me?”
[he jumps, fireworks and pyrotechnics light up from the stage]
Robert Ritchie, aka “Kid Rock”, has nearly universal name recognition in America thanks to his awful music and “career” that continued on past his one-hit wonder “Bawitdaba”, consisting of child-like noises and nonsense words. His political speech, as you can see, is somewhat more refined in the racism, homophobia, vulgarity, and egregious displays of nationalism now required to cinch any Republican primary nomination. In this, his opening salvo in politics, Ritchie spends the first half of his speech applying a megaphone to what used to be racist dog whistles, before awkwardly condemning the KKK and Nazis as if to off-set what he had just said. He then offers approval for gay marriage after saying there’s SOOOO much gay stuff, proceeding to trash transgender people. He proceeds to ask Jesus for wisdom before thrusting his crotch repeatedly. In a stanza located awkwardly in several versions of the speech (depending on the edit you watch), he kindly tells us that he loves black people – just in case you had doubts after hearing his thoughts earlier. His prayers to God still fresh in the air, he paints a picture of him standing on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office, holding his genitals on live television.
Do you know the name of the Democratic Senator he will be running against in 2018? No, you don’t. Statistically, you have no clue. Even if you closely follow the news, you likely have no idea who that person is, what they’ve done, or what they stand for. Her name is Senator Debbie Stabenow, and she has lost the race to Kid Rock. She’s a kindly, soft-spoken lady, stable, steadfast – the type of person you might encounter at a church bake sale who makes the whole thing a rousing success. And she is utterly, completely toast.
Democrats do not currently possess any function in the campaign toolbox to activate the populist, emotional centers of voters’ brains without dipping into the progressive well shared by Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and the like. There is no inoculation possible against this breed of populism that Kid Rock, and earlier Donald Trump, have begun to champion. The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee is going to try using the old techniques of attacking Kid Rock via television ads, running smear campaigns and highlighting his criminal past, sketchy history with drugs and sex, and paint him as a dirty creep with no grip on policy or government at all. The effect will do exactly what it did for Trump – magnify his reach, confirm existing cognitive bias about him, and enable his populist communications to resonate in the absence of an alternative set of issues.
The only way to avoid Senator Kid Rock from becoming a reality is for the Democratic candidate to present a very aggressive platform of populist positions that are inspirational and passionate. The church bake sale lady Kid Rock is aiming to take down must abandon all pretense at propriety and come out swinging, offering solid, positive, strong positions that can lift and engage the middle-class. If she does not, if she holds back at all, if she whiffs on economic populism or skimps on tapping into the emotions of her constituents, she’s a complete goner. If instead, the bulk of the substance of the campaign is attacks, then failure is imminent and the headline above is sad prophecy, rather than early warning.
The denigration of Kid Rock has already begun by the media, and by Democratic politicians who think he’s a joke. He is a joke. And no one takes a joke seriously until it gets sworn in.