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Voter ID Requirement: Transvaginal Ultrasound

Voter ID Requirement: Transvaginal Ultrasound

Voter Fraud = Suppression by any other name.

Earlier this year, the United States Supreme Court struck down large parts of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, stating that it had accomplished what it set out to do. Historically, the VRA had made Jim Crow laws of The South like poll taxes and literacy tests and other obstacles for black people to vote, illegal. The result of the Supreme Court overriding the Voting Rights Act freed up nine Southern states which went to work immediately on legislation to change their election laws which no longer require approval from the federal government.

Racial gerrymandering (see what the Texan’s call “the fajita strip“), long lines on Election Day, reduction of Early Voting, draconian voter ID requirements, understaffed precincts and more constitute the bulk of voter repression targeting minorities who traditionally vote Democratic.

Voter caging has been used by the GOP in an attempt to eliminate opposing voters, a technique where the party sends out registered mail to target Democratic supervoters requiring a signature, and any that come back as undeliverable have their registration challenged. Understaffing or equipment underprioritization in minority precincts generates long lines which prompt many to give up on Election Day. Reducing polling stations, selective power outages and equipment failures are all methods that have been employed.

Voter registration process hurdles, voter roll purges and disenfranchisement of non-violent felons who have served their time, a dramatic decrease in the days available for Early Voting, eliminating the possibility for employees who work full or part-time to find the hours to stand in a long line in the heat or rain to cast their vote. Increased signature card scrutiny, eliminating married women who have changed their last name and students who have relocated to attend college. These are the desired objectives of the conservatives seeking to rig elections in their favor.

But they can’t come right out and say it in plain language, or the game would be up. From time to time, they do tip their hand:

“Voter ID, which is gonna allow Governor Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania, done”
– Pennsylvania House Majority Leader Mike Turzai (R)

and let’s not forget:

“The Republican Party, the strategists, the consultants, they firmly believe that early voting is bad for Republican Party candidates. It’s done for one reason and one reason only. We’ve got to cut down on early voting because early voting is not good for us.”
– Jim Greer, Former GOP Chair of Florida

For the Republicans in service to ALEC and the Koch Brothers, the boogeyman to conduct these initiatives of repression under has been the specter of the prevention of voter fraud. They go to great lengths to generate believable falsehoods about fraudulent votes cast, preying on mankind’s innate desire to believe the worst when presented with an urban legend – and then to spread that untruth like a virus.

Between 2001 and 2010, there were 649 million votes cast in General Elections in the United States, and 13 legitimate cases of in-person voter impersonation. By contrast, in that amount of time, there have been 441 people killed by lightning in America, and 47,000 UFO sightings. You have a 34x better chance of getting killed by lightning, a 3,615x better chance of seeing a UFO than you do of ever encountering anyone who attempted to perpetrate voter fraud. Voter fraud is a non-issue, the very definition of a red herring.

But let’s not be unreasonable here. In 20 red states across the country, Republican legislators have passed, in addition to Voter ID laws, requirements for mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds and probes before women are allowed to get an abortion. Now, since there are almost as many instances of voter fraud as there are Kardashians, (and both be stamped out in the name of preserving our democracy), we propose a solution.

Require a transvaginal probe as identification before voting.

The bumper stickers practically print themselves.

The bumper stickers practically print themselves.

This will cut down dramatically on the number of fraudulent voters, because only the truly dedicated would be willing to undergo a cold probe to exercise their rights as a member of our great republic. We can ensure true voter sincerity using this method of checking each and every single man and woman wishing to vote with a mandatory vaginal examination and painless medical procedure. This may present some mild difficulty to one particular gender, but as men are technically in the minority, and presenting difficulty to minorities in the past has not proven troublesome, particularly in light of the Supreme Court’s recent decision, it shouldn’t be a major problem.

Or as The Daily Show recommends, you can bring a black friend along as an alternate form of ID.

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